Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
