I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize