So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
