will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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