today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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