i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
