i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
