I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
