im about as happy as oj after his trial
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
