and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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