You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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