there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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