Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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