just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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