i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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