no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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