you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
