just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
