We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
