Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
