Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
