you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
