It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
