So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
