I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
