Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize