he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
