dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
