Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
