Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You pole danced in your parka.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
