Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
