It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize