I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
