I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
