the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
her facebook's as public as her vagina
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
