I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
