This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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