I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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