My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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