I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
