Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
