the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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