I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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