I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
