We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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