Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
