Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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