I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
