Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
And then he peed in my hair
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