My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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