exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
you never un-have a 4some
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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