I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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