I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
