I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize