There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
