Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
