Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
