Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Girls should come with a carfax report
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
