this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
