He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
