You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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