Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
