Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
