I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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