If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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