Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
