Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
