No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
This is classic penis vs brain.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
