apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Actions speak louder than pants.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I AM VODKA MAN
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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