there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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