my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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