I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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