I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
