I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
